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Finding a win-win situation for both parties
William Ury and Roger Fisher, founders of the Harvard Negotiation Project, co-authored the book “Getting to Yes.” After reading it, I want to share some key insights. The book emphasizes that negotiation isn’t about dividing things equally or insisting on having your way. It’s not about winning or losing; if you’re focused on who is winning, you’ve already lost. So, what is negotiation really about? Let me illustrate with a few examples.
In a library, two men argue about a window: one wants it open for fresh air, while the other wants it closed to prevent his papers from being disturbed. Instead of compromising on the window’s position, the librarian opens a window in another room, providing fresh air without disturbing the papers, satisfying both parties.
In another scenario, two people want to share a cake but can’t agree on how to split it fairly. To resolve this, one person is asked to cut the cake, and the other gets to choose first. Knowing this, the cutter will divide it as evenly as possible to avoid getting a smaller piece.
A final example involves two kids arguing over an orange. A parent splits the orange in half, giving each child a piece. One eats the fruit and discards the peel, while the other uses the peel for baking and throws away the fruit. If the parent had asked why they wanted the orange, each child could have received exactly what they needed.
These examples demonstrate that negotiation aims to find solutions that satisfy both parties without damaging the relationship. So, how can you achieve such wise and practical outcomes? Here are four strategies to become a more effective negotiator.
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Strategy one: Focus on interests, not positions.
Recall the story of the two men arguing over a window in the library. It highlights a common issue in negotiations where people concentrate too much on their positions. Instead of debating positions, shift your focus to interests.
While the benefits of focusing on interests are evident, it can be challenging. Positions are often clear and specific, whereas interests might be hidden or unclear. So, how do you uncover the other side’s interests? Simply ask why. Why do they want what they want? Try to see things from their perspective. Once you identify their underlying interests, discuss them openly. People tend to listen better when they feel understood and think that those who understand them are smart and kind. If you want them to listen to your interests, start by showing you care and understand theirs.
Of course, you need to communicate your interests as well, as the other side might not be aware of them. To turn your interests into viable options, ask yourself, “If they agree with me tomorrow, what do I want them to do?”
Strategy two: Use fair standards.
Even with a good understanding of the other side’s needs, conflicts are inevitable. You might want lower rent while your landlord wants it higher. Instead of engaging in a back-and-forth argument, use objective criteria to make decisions.
Remember the cake example? When two people couldn’t agree on how to share a cake, having one person divide it and the other choose first was a fair standard. Objective criteria are unbiased and not based on personal opinions. Examples include market prices, legal requirements, expert opinions, or mutually agreed-upon standards.
In negotiations, people often resist agreeing because they feel you’re making demands. However, if you refer to rules or regulations, it shifts the focus from personal demands to objective standards. It’s no longer you demanding but the rules.
For instance, if your house construction contract doesn’t specify the depth of the foundations, and the contractor suggests two feet while you think five feet is standard, don’t just compromise. Instead, say, “Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe two feet is enough. Does the government have standard specifications for these soil conditions? What is the earthquake risk here? Where should we look for standards to resolve this?”
To apply this principle effectively, determine fair standards with the other side before starting. For example, if you want a high price and the other party wants a low one, agree to find out what a fair price would be. Decide on the standards to use. By focusing on fair standards, you can transform a conflict of interests into a shared objective.
Strategy three: Invent options for mutual gain.
Consider the example of the kids arguing over an orange. Instead of splitting it 50-50, they could have found a way for both to get exactly what they wanted. This scenario demonstrates the importance of creating options for mutual gain in negotiations.
So, how do you come up with creative solutions? Here’s the process: gather with your team or the other side and brainstorm all possible solutions. Let ideas flow freely without judging or selecting any in the initial stage. Keep brainstorming and selection sessions separate. For brainstorming, choose a few participants, change the environment, create an informal atmosphere, and define the purpose. After brainstorming, start with the most promising ideas and discuss ways to refine them.
People often assume differences in negotiation cause problems, but these differences can actually lead to solutions. Remember the orange example? A wise solution was possible because each side wanted different parts of the orange. It’s not the differences that cause problems; it’s the differences that lead to creative solutions.
Strategy four: Separate the people from the problem.
Before entering a negotiation, visualize a vertical line splitting a person down the middle. One side represents the person, and the other side represents the problem. Always prioritize the person over the problem.
Negotiators are people first, so your goal is to be soft on the person but tough on the problem. Often, we end up being soft on both the person and the problem, failing to achieve our goals. Conversely, being hard on both can harm the relationship. Instead, be soft on the person by offering compliments and appreciating their efforts.
At every stage of the negotiation, ask yourself, “Am I addressing the people problem?” Remember that people have different viewpoints, their egos can be easily threatened, and they often confuse their perceptions with reality. Misinterpretations and poor communication are common, and you must deal with these issues as well as your own anger and frustration, which can hinder agreement. Your perceptions may be biased, and you might not be listening or communicating effectively.
One of the best ways to prevent people problems is by building a relationship with the other side before negotiations begin. Negotiating with someone you know is easier than with a stranger. Arrive early to chat and stay a bit afterward to get to know their likes and dislikes. These informal interactions can make future negotiations much easier. Studies show that simply getting to know the other side increases the success rate by 25 to 30%.
How to handle cunning negotiators
Okay, you might be thinking, these four strategies sound fair and nice, but what if the other side isn’t playing by fair rules? What if they use dirty tactics? What if they are more powerful? Or what if they attack me personally? Here’s how to handle these situations.
First, let’s address dirty tactics. People may lie or use various pressure tactics. Simply recognizing and pointing out these tricks can often neutralize them. For example, say, “Andy, it seems like you and Jimmy are playing good cop and bad cop. If you need a break to get on the same page, just ask.” By calling out the tactic, you reduce its effectiveness and might make the other side worry about losing you. Just raising a question can sometimes end the tactic. Be careful to avoid personal attacks and focus on the problem, not the person. Instead of saying, “You put me facing the sun deliberately,” say, “The sun in my eyes is distracting. Can we adjust the schedule and meet later? I can’t concentrate like this.”
If the other side is more powerful, don’t turn the negotiation into a gunfight. The best approach is to develop your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). Imagine walking into a job interview with no other offers versus having two other job offers. The difference is power. The more easily you can walk away from a negotiation, the greater your power. Developing your BATNA not only helps you determine what a minimally acceptable agreement is, but it may also raise that minimum. Always develop your BATNA before negotiating. Don’t say, “Let’s negotiate first and see what happens.” Without a BATNA, you’re negotiating blindly.
What if they attack you personally? When the focus shifts from the problem to you, things become challenging. You seek a fair solution, but they undermine your ideas. It’s natural to defend yourself, but this approach leads nowhere. You push, they push back, and you both become stuck.
So, what should you do? Use negotiation jujitsu. Sidestep their attacks. Here’s how:
Look behind their position. When they state what they want, don’t just respond with yes or no. Ask why they want it to understand their core interests.
Don’t React to Attacks: When faced with personal attacks, don’t respond with counterattacks. Instead, remain calm and avoid getting defensive. This prevents escalation and keeps the focus on finding a solution.
If they keep rejecting your proposals, ask for their advice. Say, “If you were in my position, what would you do?” This encourages them to consider your perspective and offer solutions.
Use Silence: Silence can be a powerful tool. If someone attacks you, a moment of silence can defuse the situation and make the other person reconsider their approach.
By using these techniques, you can deflect personal attacks, keep the negotiation focused on mutual interests, and work towards a solution that benefits both parties.
I’d like to conclude this video with a compelling story that illustrates the essence of negotiation. In 1964, an American father and his 12-year-old son were playing frisbee in Hyde Park, London. Frisbees were rare in England at the time, so a small crowd gathered to watch. After a while, a man approached and asked, “Sorry to bother you. I’ve been watching you for 15 minutes. Who’s winning?”
In negotiations, asking who’s winning is akin to asking that in a marriage. If you focus solely on winning, you miss the point. The real objective is to collaborate and find a solution that satisfies the interests of both parties.
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